the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
