In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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