I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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