im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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