We named our party play list daddy issues
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Randomize
