Got a toothbrush?
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Randomize
