The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
