So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
