Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
