Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
