U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
She even gives head with a lisp.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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