This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
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