My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
