i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
