yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
