I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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