It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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