You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
