right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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