my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
