I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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