We won't sleep together?
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
