Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
