Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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