i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
