I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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