it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
