I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
