I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Drake has all the answers
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
