This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
