It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
So many bounce houses so little time
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
