3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Randomize
