She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
