I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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