Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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