I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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