it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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