Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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