I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
