You're my little dorito
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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