im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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