my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize