I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize