You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Randomize