Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
