you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
