So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
