No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
