I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
