M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
