the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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