I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
