I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
